


I just need some help

by Time_that_is_given_to_you



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Academy Era, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Emotionally Hurt Leonard "Bones" McCoy, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Hurt Bones, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Non-Graphic Violence, Pre-Star Trek (2009), Protective James T. Kirk, Self-Hatred, Starfleet Academy, Talk of Physical Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-05
Updated: 2018-12-18
Packaged: 2019-09-12 06:51:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 16,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16868173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Time_that_is_given_to_you/pseuds/Time_that_is_given_to_you
Summary: "Jim didn't know where he had gone wrong.All he had done was organise a birthday party for his best friend, as a way to say thank you for all the times the man he been there for him, had offered an open ear, his support. .... Thinking back to it now, Jim supposed that was the moment when the evening had taken a turn for the worse."After a surprise birthday party ended with the guest of honour having to leave early, Jim seeks out his best friend to apologize. Turns out, surprise parties can unravel a lot of deeply buried issues and reveal some similiarities Jim honestly wishes he wouldn't have in common with his friend....





	1. Take my hand and lead the way

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. The original characters mentioned in this piece of fanwork belong to the original creators of Star Trek and Paramount Pictures. 
> 
> This story is based on the lyrics of the song "Help" by the band Hurts; they are written in italics at the beginning of each chapter. I certainly make no profit from them, don't own them and only use them for creative purpose. 
> 
> English is not my first language and although I got some feedback from friends, there will probably still be some mistakes, sorry!  
> ________________________________________________________________________________________________  
> Warnings: This story contains the aftermath of physical abuse and the description of injuries, but nothing graphic. There will be some intense (or so I have been told) talking about mental health issues and self-doubt in later chapters. If any of this is in any way triggering to you, please don't read it or read at your own caution.

_Take my hand and lead the way_

_Out of the darkness and into the light of the day_

_And take me somewhere I'll be safe_

_Carry my lifeless body away from the pain_

Jim didn’t know where he had gone wrong.

It was Bones’ birthday, and since the good man was chronically incapable of doing anything for himself (in the sense of enjoying himself from time to time or doing something as simple as planning his own birthday party), the honour of planning and organising something for his best friend had fallen to Jim, who had taken to it with his usual energy and enthusiasm. Once he had realised all the small details of which he had to think to make this party as grandiose as he wanted it to be, though, his initial enthusiasm had faded a little bit; he was honest enough with himself to realise that he wouldn’t have enough time to prepare everything the way he wanted it to be.

So, he had asked Gaila, the sweet red-headed Orion girl from his programming classes, and Uhura, who still seemed undecided whether she actually liked him or merely tolerated him, to help him with the decoration and find a suitable location. Both girls had gotten acquainted with Leonard via Jim during their first semester and soon taken a liking to him, despite his grumpy attitude.

Next, he had asked Gary if he could help him with the food for the guests. Jim knew him since their first week at the Academy and their bonding over some of the more boring introductory lectures had lasted into the next semester when they had decided to become study partners. Both were intelligent and eager to be at the top of their class, so those sessions were not only beneficial for both their success but also highly competitive. Additionally, Gary turned out to be a very good as well as creative cook which really made him the ideal choice for this task.

Finally, he had approached Nurse Williams, one of the few friends from Bones’ work at Starfleet Medical that Jim knew well enough to ask for her help. She was his age and a friendly woman who accepted no nonsense from either her patients or her colleagues- one of the reasons she and Bones got along so well. Jim had asked her if she could invite some people from the medical track that Bones liked and/or got along with. While they had a shared group of friends, they also had separate ones and Jim didn’t want to miss out some of those simply because he didn’t know them.

Those tasks taken care of, Jim had focused on the mission of compiling a suitable music playlist- which honestly sounded easier said than done when knowing how picky Bones was about music. It seemed to be a mix of contemporary technical music, classical music that Jim himself liked to listen to and Country music; a combination which sure as hell guaranteed for an interesting party playlist. But what Bones liked, Bones should have, and he was satisfied with the end result, weaving the calmer Country music with the fast beat of the contemporary Techno and throwing in the occasional Rock as a surprise.

Everything was organised and all he had to do was pick up an unsuspecting Bones after his last lecture and suggest they go out for a drink which would then lead them to one of their favourite bars. The owner, knowing the two of them well enough by this point, had been so kind to rent them the place for the evening.

Jim really didn’t know what went wrong.

All he had done was organise a birthday party for his best friend, as a way to say thank you for all the times the man he been there for him, had offered an open ear, his support and a joint visit to a bar. Bones, for all his superficial grouchiness, had the softest and biggest heart Jim had ever known. Over the course of their studies many of their classmates had apparently discovered that as well; one reason why so many people had shown up when Jim had invited them to Bones’ surprise birthday party. Friends and colleagues had all been there to joyfully shout a loud “Happy Birthday!” when Jim entered the rented bar together with his friend.

To be completely honest, he had been somewhat afraid that Bones might complain a bit; he didn’t like it when others made a fuss about him and it couldn’t be said that he was the biggest fan of surprises either. However, after the first stunned expression had faded off, Leonard’s face had split into a wide smile. When he had turned to look at Jim, there had been a look of pure happiness and joy on his face, something he had never seen on his friend before and that had made Jim’s heart skip a beat and then pound all the harder in his chest.

There had been cheers and askance singing before the huge birthday cake created by Gary, made with a creamy hazelnut-nougat filling with the symbol of Starfleet Medical out of marzipan on top of it, had been sliced into pieces and passed around. After that, it had been music and drinks at the bar until at some point one of the slower songs Jim had picked started to play and he had found himself with an armful of slightly tipsy southern doctor. Bones had blushed but hadn’t made a move to leave, so they had continued to slowly move in time with the music. At the end of the song, Jim hadn’t been able to help himself as the hidden feelings he had long harboured for his friend broke to the surface and so he had given his friend a chaste kiss on the cheek.

Bones had looked surprised but not unhappy. He had opened his mouth as if to say something but then his gaze had strayed to something behind Jim and his eyes had suddenly opened wide in shock. Thinking back to it now, Jim supposed that was the moment when the evening had taken a turn for the worse.

Bones’ boyfriend of six months, a doctor from Starfleet Medical three years older than Bones himself named Andy Greenson, whom Jim honestly disliked (but maybe should have invited, since it was his boyfriend’s birthday and all), had walked towards them, looking rather furious. Bones had stepped between the two of them and had apparently tried to calm him down, something Jim had been unable to listen to since the music had become louder again. The discussion had been short lived and surprisingly not the way Jim had expected. Bones had come up to him, looking all apologetic and- resigned.

_“I’m sorry Jim, ‘m afraid I’ve to leave you guys. Andy- he’s peeved that he wasn’t invited and got something planned for my birthday, just the two of us. I- I’m sorry Jim, I really am-“._

_Jim interrupted him, getting slightly annoyed himself. “Honestly, what the fuck Bones?! I get that he’s angry for not being invited, and I totally admit that’s on me, but seriously- the party has just started, you can’t leave now, you’re the guest of honour! Why doesn’t he stay, you two can still do your couple thing tomorrow.”_

_Jim understood that relationship dynamics could be tricky and that by not inviting Andy, on purpose, he had practically set the foundation for a fight. But he had seen less and less of his best friend over the last months as all of Bones’ spare free time seemed to be spent with Andy. The times they saw each other, Bones appeared a bit distant and withdrawn as if his thoughts where somewhere else entirely. Of course, on a rational level, Jim could understand the desire of a newly in love couple to spend as much time as possible with each other. Yet he wasn’t thinking with his logical side, rather with his emotional one and the feelings he slowly but surely had developed for his friend over the last one and a half years had been hurt._

_Bones looked at him regretfully. “I’m sorry, Jim, honestly. Please, it’s just- Andy is so furious right now and I don’t wanna anger him even more.”_

_Jim snorted. “What, he can’t live with the idea that there are other people in his boyfriend’s life, apart from him?! Come on, he really needs-.“_

_Bones flinched at his words and Jim stopped himself and regarded his friend closer. His posture appeared defensive and his eyes continued to nervously flicker over to Andy, who regarded their exchange with a dark expression on his face. He was a good-looking guy, Jim had to admit that, dark blond hair softly falling over his brow and slightly hanging into his grey eyes. He was slightly taller in height than both Jim and Bones, his defined muscles outlined by his choice of clothes today. Yes, alright, he could understand why his friend felt drawn to him based on his looks only, but while he was a pleasing conversationalist, there was something in the way he occasionally talked to Bones that made Jim wary around him._

_Out of instinct, he moved to pat his friend on the shoulder to reassure him that he wasn’t truly angry at him (because he wasn’t, not at his friend, it was the situation as a whole that had him so frustrated), but Bones flinched and stepped aside, trying to cover his startled reaction by rubbing the back of his head. “Look Jim, I’ve gotta go! Again, I’m so sorry, and have a good time without me. No need for the party to stop!”_

_He smiled ruefully and made to turn away, then hesitated and turned back to Jim. “Also, thank you, Jim! Thank you for doing this for me, it’s been an amazing birthday party, best I’ve ever had. Nobody’s ever done that for me- well, at least not since I was old enough to organize my own parties- and I just really appreciate you doing this for me! It’s been an amazing evening, please tell the others as well, and also thank them for helping with the food and decoration- didn’t get around to personally thank them-“._

_“You can still do that, you know”, Jim interrupted._

_Bones shook his head. “Got no time, there’s no way I would find ‘em in this crowd anyway. So- bye Jim and- you know, thanks for everything, man.”_

_His smile was shaky and Jim really got the feeling that he was missing something, that something wasn’t right here but before he could answer, Bones had already walked over to Andy who took his hand and without looking back, they left the bar._

Jim had apologized Bones’ absence with an explanation of plans for the evening made by Andy whom he had forgotten to invite and most of the guests had accepted his apology and followed his invitation to stay and celebrate.

But even now at three thirty in the morning, as he fell into bed, his thoughts kept circling around his friend and the gnawing worry that he might have missed something important in his friend’s words.

He would talk to him tomorrow, he decided. And honestly apologize for not inviting Andy. Because, dislike aside, it had been a dick move on Jim’s part to not extend an invitation to the boyfriend of the birthday boy.

With those thoughts, he drifted off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the first chapter!
> 
> I have the story finished and will post the remaining chapters within the next week or so after one final revision.


	2. Cause I know what I've been missing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the response to the first chapter! <3 I hope, you enjoy the next one as well, even though it's a short one. I promise the last two will be much longer!

_Cause I know what I've been missing_

_And I know that I should try_

_But there's hope in this admission_

_And there's freedom in your eyes_

When Jim opened his eyes the next morning, it was to the sound of birds happily chirping their songs outside his window, to the late morning sun slowly filling his room with bright light and to the feeling of his head painfully pounding in rhythm to the birds’ singing. Groaning, Jim buried his head further into his pillow, restraining himself from pulling it over his face. Barely. God, maybe he should have stopped three drinks before his last one.

After ten minutes, the headache receded to a more bearable level, giving Jim the opportunity to become aware of the gross taste in his mouth. Making a face, he sat up and rubbed his hands over his face to wipe away the last traces of sleep before swinging his legs over the bed. He waited a moment to convince his body, and especially his hurting head, that yes, sitting upright was a necessity and they could do it, before he stumbled over to the bathroom. Avoiding the special hell that was sudden brightness by simply not ordering on the lights, he fumbled in the cupboard underneath the sink for the hypo with the Anti-hangover cure Bones had mercifully stored there, seeing as how often Jim needed it. Being at the top of his classes and taking more classes than the usual Starfleet cadet had the advantage that the Academy’s accommodation office could offer him a single room (since he needed the quiet to study for his accelerated course load- yeah, sure). Which meant that at least he didn’t have to worry about a roommate who could be annoyed at him for rummaging loudly in the cupboard, throwing everything he didn’t need to the ground next to him.

Finally, he found what he was looking for and with a relieved grunt Jim pressed the hypo to his neck. The medicine didn’t take long to achieve its effect and once he felt better, he moved over to the shower stall to wash away the grimy feeling that always came from a night out and too much drinking.

After he had finished his shower and while he munched his bowl of cereals, his thoughts strayed back to his worries from yesterday. His exchange with Bones and especially the words of his friend still didn’t sit right with him. Jim kept replaying them in his head, feeling the nagging sensation in his gut that there was more to them.

Frustrated, he finished his breakfast before he changed into new clothes and then went on his way over to Bones’ room. The best way to settle his nerves was to talk to his friend, hopefully without Andy present.

For a Saturday morning, there were already quite a lot of cadets awake and roaming the campus grounds. People were sitting on some of the stairs in front of lecture halls, animatedly talking with their friends, playing basketball on one of the sports fields or riding a bicycle, which despite all modern technology never got out of fashion on beautiful sunny spring days. Jim found himself slowing his gait, enjoying the tranquillity of the day. Finals were still far away and mid-terms had just been finished, so there seemed to be a content calm over the student body, knowing that they had some time to enjoy themselves before their studies would busy them again.

It was only a fifteen minutes’ walk between their accommodations. After their first year, Jim and Bones had both considered the option of sharing a small apartment which Starfleet provided from second year on for students. Bones’ shift schedule at the hospital in combination with his classes and Jim’s own overloaded course load had finally been the argument that convinced them to take single rooms instead, as the single room accommodations of the specific tracks were much closer to the lecture buildings of the respective study track. While Jim would have liked to live with his friend, he also conceded that some space would be good for them as he found himself becoming more and more attached to his friend.

Jim shook his head to rid himself of those thoughts. Even if he had thought of making an approach on his friend, Bones’ relationship with Andy soon after the summer holidays ended Jim’s contemplations about pursuing a more romantic relationship. By entering a relationship with someone else, Bones made it clear that he didn’t regard Jim as more than his best friend and Jim wanted to save himself the humiliation of talking about feelings which obviously wouldn’t be returned. Therefore, he didn’t say anything and tried to minimize the jealousy he felt whenever he saw the two of them together.

Sighing, he picked up his steps, standing in front of Bones’ room only five minutes later. He knocked and expected to hear his friend grumbling from behind the door, which he did whenever someone (usually Jim) interrupted him in his studies unannounced. Today, everything remained silent and after another minute of quiet inactivity Jim knocked again, brow furrowed in confusion. He knew Bones’ shift schedule and time table by heart (and nobody needed to remind him of how pathetic that was, thank you very much), and was certain that his friend didn’t need to be at work today. With it being a Saturday, there were also no classes and Jim knew that Bones usually liked to sleep in on days when he had nothing to do other than preparing for his classes next week. Which meant that Bones should be home.

Since his second knocking also remained unanswered, Jim finally punched in his friend’s room-code on the pad next to the door. Bones had given it to him at the end of their first semester (and simply hadn’t changed it when moving from his shared to a single room), when they had already been close friends, mumbling that this way Jim would hopefully finally stop hacking his code to get into his room whenever Bones wasn’t present- and Jim’s former roommate was being an arrogant asshole- with the warning to only use it in emergencies. Well, Jim really needed to talk to his friend to put his worries at rest, so he assumed that could be counted as an emergency.

The room before him was empty, however. The door leading to the bedroom was open, granting Jim a glance at a perfectly made bed in which apparently nobody had slept in. Scratching his head in confusion, Jim looked around as if he expected his friend to magically appear behind a cupboard (he didn’t). About to take out his communicator to try and call his friend (which maybe he should have done before coming here in the first place) he halted his movement when something on Bones’ study desk made him pause. It was Bones’ PADD which he always left in his room when going out to not accidentally break or lose it. What was more important though was that Jim knew that Bones kept all addresses of friends, family and colleagues there as well. For when he really thought about it, there was another logical place where he could have stayed the night after spending his birthday with his boyfriend. Namely Andy’s home.

The slimy hands of jealousy reached out to squeeze his heart and lungs, leaving a bitter taste in his throat but Jim forced himself to ignore those feelings. Instead he moved over to the desk, picked up the PADD and, after entering the not-so-secret code, swiped through Bones’ contacts. Andy and Jim didn’t really get on well, a fact which was mostly due to Jim simply not liking the other man. It wasn’t only because he was dating his best friend but rather some unidentified gut feeling that cautioned Jim to keep his shields up and made him distrustful of the other man. Of course, Andy noted Jim’s deliberate distance and therefore, he had never been invited to the man’s apartment- which led him to scrolling through Bones’ PADD, hoping that his friend’s meticulous nature would have led him to even note down his boyfriend’s precise address.

Finally, he found Andy’s name on the list and after giving a small sigh of relief, Jim noted that he actually didn’t live very far from campus- which made sense considering that he was a doctor at Starfleet Medical and would want to live somewhat close to his workplace. Recognising the name of the street as being only a twenty-minute walk from campus, Jim quickly memorized the house and flat number before being on his way.

Jim never minded walking through the streets of San Francisco, especially if it was a beautiful day like today, so he took his time, occasionally stopping at one of the smaller shops to have a look at their goods. The area surrounding Starfleet Academy consisted mostly of modern buildings housing companies, businesses and apartments, mostly designed for business or single people from all around the Federation. Andy’s address belonged to a huge apartment loft painted in an ivory colour interrupted only by big windows, equipped with dark glass to ensure their owners’ privacy, and some balconies.

The doctor’s apartment number indicated that he lived on the fifth floor and rather than taking the elevator, Jim decided to take the stairs. Some exercise would do him good.

As it was, Jim soon stood in front of the apartment door, contemplating what he should say if Andy was present and Bones wasn’t. The thought crossed his mind that Andy would probably still be angry at him for not inviting him to the party yesterday but Jim couldn’t really bring himself to care all that much. While impolite, he stood to his decision, although he would  have to come up with an apology nonetheless to keep the peace for Bones’ sake. Sighing, he knocked on the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Perfect place to stop a chapter, right? Right!
> 
> These chapters are so not equally distriputed, concerning the number of words.... Like, there are still 14.000 words left in the Word-Document but only two more chapters! On the bright side, you can look forward to the next two chapters as they will be much longer!


	3. But when I hear you call my name

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I miscalculated, there will be more chapters! Well, means I can update sooner.

_I'm sick and tired of being afraid_

_If I cry anymore then my tears will wash me away_

_But when I hear you call my name_

_I whisper the word that I never thought I'd ever say_

“Bones? Hey man, are you there?”

Jim knocked on the door again, receiving the same answer as before: silence. Apparently, neither Bones nor Andy were present at the moment and with a frustrated huff he was about to turn around and move back towards the stairs, when the sound of something heavy falling to the ground, accompanied by a muffled groan, made him stop. Jim felt his stomach tighten in worry; he was sure that sound had come from Andy’s apartment and he had been in enough bar fights himself to recognise when someone was grunting in pain. Energetically, he stepped back towards the door and knocked unrelentingly. “Bones, Andy, I know someone is in there, so open up!” After another minute of quiet, he continued, “Listen, if you don’t open this door in the next two minutes, I’ll call house management or maybe even the police. I could clearly hear someone in pain, so that should give them a reason to force entry.” To be honest, Jim wasn’t sure if he would really go that far (or if this really was enough reason for the police, for that matter) but he hoped it would convince the one behind the door to finally relent.

There was another moment of silence before he finally got an answer. “Damn it Jim, hold your horses! No need to call anyone.”

Jim breathed a sigh of relief at hearing his friend’s voice, yet at the same time furrowed his brow. Bones’ voice sounded strained as if he was trying to sound casual but couldn’t quite manage. “Hey Bones! Well, if you didn’t take so long to answer, I wouldn’t need to fall back onto dirty tricks.” Another pause, disrupted only by the sound of a door opening further down the corridor and the clattering steps of the apartment’s occupant leaving. An elderly woman came walking down the hallway, shooting disapproving glances at Jim while at the same time holding her purse close to her body, as if she feared he would pry it away from her. Jim gave her his most charming smile, which didn’t have any effect whatsoever, before turning back to the door.

“Bones, do you maybe wanna, I don’t know, let me in? I need to talk with you about yesterday and I don’t really fancy doing that through the door. Also, Andy’s neighbours might actually be the ones calling the police if I do that.”

It was quiet but Jim could imagine the doctor sighing behind the door. “What is there to talk about? I already apologized for having to leave my own birthday party and I’ll make it up to you, I promise, and I’m sorry for being such a shitty friend. But-um- I’m not feeling too well right now and Andy should be back soon, so can we maybe talk tomorrow?”

Something was off. Jim couldn’t put his finger on it; maybe it was his instinct, the bad feeling that hadn’t left him since yesterday evening and the recognition of some of these words as being similar to his own, years ago when his feeling of self-worth had been as good as non-existent, maybe it was because Bones sounded even more pained than before. Maybe Jim simply was a selfish bastard who wanted his answers. Whatever the reason, he couldn’t let it go.

“No, we’re going to talk about it now! Damn it, I’m actually the one who has to apologize for not inviting Andy in the first place. And once he returns I can do it in person. But open the stupid door already! I really don’t wanna have this conversation on the corridor.”

When he finally got an answer, it was so quiet that he almost didn’t understand. “I- I can’t. Andy, he- he locked the door and I don’t know his security code, so…” At this point, Bones trailed off, Jim not able to understand him anymore.

Something cold clenched his heart at those words and Jim could feel his stomach tighten. “What do you- never mind. Hold on a second, I’ll have a look at the security pad, maybe I can hack it.”

Fully expecting his friend to complain, Jim found the silence that followed even more disconcerting. Forcing his mind to concentrate on the task at hand, he stepped closer to the small digital pad next to the door. Like many apartments, this one was secured with a private code, locking the doors once entered. The surrounding security system to prevent hackers from being able to get access to the code was more than average and would provide a challenge to most. Luckily, Jim was a certified genius who once had too much time while living in Iowa, taking up more than one dubious job. Well, those skills he had acquired back then certainly came in handy now and after five minutes Jim couldn’t help himself but grin triumphantly as the door next to him slid open.

Stepping through the door, he stopped short when he caught sight of the chaos that was the living room. The sofa appeared to be the only thing still standing where it was supposed to be, opposite a big holo-screen on the wall. An armchair, usually apparently lined with comfortable-looking green cushions, was turned upside down as if someone had fallen over it, the cushions strewn around on the floor next to it. A wooden couch table was lying on its side, pads and even some old-fashioned paper magazines lying on the ground. Two wine glasses, one of them partly broken, lay next to it, the red liquid of the wine drenching the carpet underneath. Yet what caught Jim’s attention immediately was the room opposite the entrance. From where he was standing, he had a clear view into the open bathroom. There, on the floor, his head hidden behind the arms resting on his knees was Bones, still in the clothes from yesterday.

At the sight, Jim felt his heart clench painfully and some vile taste come up in his mouth. For a moment, he was overcome by memories. It looked so familiar, a scene which he had enacted countless times in his youth, with himself being the one sitting on the ground, trying to hide from the world and from the painful beatings of his stepfather. He couldn’t remember how often Frank had beaten him as his form of upbringing, but he remembered with absolute clarity the moment when it had been enough, the morning of his 18th birthday, when he had packed his things and left his home for good. It had taken years until he had built up enough confidence and a cocky attitude to get over the experience, but he had done it. And whatever had happened here last night, to see his best friend sitting like this, so similar to his own posture after one of Frank’s fits of rage, felt like a punch to his gut.

Jim took a deep breath and forced these images down, focusing on his surroundings. He was in the present, Frank was miles away and his friend needed him right now. Whatever had happened (and Jim sure as hell was going to find out), he needed to concentrate on Bones. In a few steps, he had crossed the space between them. Tentatively, he crouched down, making sure to keep some space. Up close, he could see the bruises on Bones’ wrists that already started to show. His hair appeared unkempt and even in this position Jim could see that he tried to favour his left side. Hot fury blossomed in his chest but again he forced himself to remain calm. It wouldn’t do to startle his friend now and after another moment, he spoke softly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another perfect place to stop, right? I'm glad we all agree!
> 
> I hope you're enjoying the story so far, feedback is always welcome!


	4. And you'll keep me safe from harm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See some of the warnings at the beginning of the story for this chapter.

_And I hope to God you'll listen_

_And you'll keep me safe from harm_

_Cause I found what I was missing_

_When I fell into your arms_

“Bones? Hey, can you- can you look at me, please?”

For a couple of seconds, Bones didn’t seem to be inclined to follow his words. Finally, taking a shuddering breath, he slowly lifted his head away from his arms, carefully avoiding Jim’s gaze and keeping his eyes focused on something over his shoulder.

Jim gasped. The area around Bones’ left eye looked swollen and red, in some spots already turning blue. His lower lip was split, a small scab having already formed over the wound. The same could be said about the deep looking cut on his forehead which looked as if he had fallen against the edge of a wall. It must have bled heavily because although most of it had been cleared from his face, Jim still saw spots of dried blood in the strands of his friend’s hair and underneath his chin.

He was sure that there was more, that underneath his clothes, Bones bore even more bruises than the ones on his face. But the little he could see already made Jim curse under his breath, hands coiled into fists before he could help himself. For that shouldn’t have happened. He knew his friend could take care of himself, had made sure that he was proficient in more than just the basic self-defense that Starfleet demanded of all cadets. Hell, Bones had come to his rescue in more than one bar fight and was certainly able to throw a good punch. So why had he not defended himself against the attack? Because the severity of his wounds suggested that Bones hadn’t fought, or at least not with his full strength, against his attacker.

Bones took his curse the wrong way and flinched, pressing back against the wall behind him and digging his fingers into his arms as if he was trying to hold himself together. Jim swore again, this time silently and only in his head. He needed to be calm and keep his emotions in check. Bones was hurt and needed him, this was all that counted for now.

“Sh, sorry, I’m sorry Bones. I didn’t think. Did-” Jim hesitated but then continued. He needed his suspicion to be confirmed. “Did Andy do this? Did he beat you up when you came home yesterday, after the party?”

Bones drew a shaking breath and blinked rapidly. His body immediately tensed, and he pulled his knees closer to his chest, wincing when that action seemed to cause him pain. He nodded.

There was a white, rushing sound, a buzzing in his ears but Jim ignored it. Later. He would take care of it later. “I- see. Did he… fuck, did he do that before?” He had never seen Bones beaten up like that, but Andy was a doctor. Maybe he had gotten rid of the evidence with the medical equipment he had at home.

Bones shook his head. “Not- not like that. Maybe-maybe a slap in the face or a grip that was too hard but never- it was never this bad.” His voice was shaking as though he could stop pretending everything was alright, now that Jim had seen him.

There was something seriously wrong with this statement. Bones had been slapped by his boyfriend, had been manhandled, and yet he hadn’t told anyone about this. What was more, he had remained in a relationship with the man. Somehow, the image of the grumpy southern doctor who would chew out careless residents for mistakes that could threaten a patient’s health and who would always berate Jim for not taking care of himself didn’t correlate with the picture he saw now. There was something missing, some information, but Jim couldn’t pay attention to it now.

“You’re saying that he abused you?”

This time, Bones refused to answer.

Jim sighed. They should leave, who knew when Andy would be back, and he didn’t think that a confrontation with the man right now would be the best option. He wasn’t sure he would be able to control himself.

“Alright. Do you know where he is now?”

“He wanted to go to the hospital and excuse me for my next two shifts. Said I couldn’t work like this and that I should take it easy for a while. And then-… Afterwards he wanted to go to my room and pick up some of my things. He- he wanted me to move in with him, at least for a while- said he would talk to Starfleet housing ‘cause someone there owed him a favor, so that they would cut me a break for not being in my room before curfew. And that- that he needed to keep an eye on me, make sure I knew where I belonged.”

His heart was breaking. There was no other explanation for the ache Jim felt in his chest at these words.

“Alright, well, this should give us some time. We need to leave and get you to a hospital, and then we need to call the police.”

At those words, Bones finally looked at him. “No, Jim, no, I don’t want to go to a hospital. All hospitals are required to inform Starfleet if one of their officers, cadets, whatever, is admitted for medical care. They- they would know what happened- Andy would find out that I told the police, he would be even angrier. I don’t want anyone to know what happened here, it- it was my fault, after all. The injuries are not that bad, just a couple of bruises, they will heal on their own.”

 _It was my fault_. How had he not seen this? Thinking back to it, there had always been some statements, even before Andy, some words that were too harsh, too self-depreciating to be considered as being part of Bones’ sarcasm. Utterances which suggested that Bones might really think that he didn’t deserve any better. It made Jim wonder if he really knew his friend as well as he thought he did.

“Alright, first of all, it wasn’t your fault, and I know you can’t really see that right now. But the part of you that is a doctor, fuck, the part that got training as a psychologist knows I’m right and would agree with me. Second, that regulation you’re referring to can be circumvented. It’s not so much meant to keep an eye on every single piece of information of Starfleet personnel but rather meant for emergencies, such as sudden, serious illness or life-threatening accidents. But if the reason for a visit to the hospital doesn’t fall into that category, the patient can refuse that information being passed on to Starfleet. There are some exceptions, cadets obviously have far less leeway especially if alcohol or any illegal substance was involved, but still. And- and this is actually a special situation anyway.”

Jim had to swallow before he continued. “You were physically abused by someone from Starfleet, someone you’re working with. All forms of abuse fall into patient confidentiality anyway, but if the attacker is from Starfleet as well… it makes things- complicated.”

At that Bones snorted, dropping his gaze from Jim’s face. “Great, you know how I love to be a complication for anyone.”

Jim bit his lip and harshly squeezed his thighs to keep himself from reaching for Bones. “That’s not what I meant, and you know it”, he said quietly, before sighing. “Look, we really should leave. Andy could be back any moment and I certainly won’t leave you alone with him again. And I might not be a doctor, but I know what it looks like when your ribs are hurting pretty badly, so don’t tell me your left side doesn’t need medical attention. Same goes for that cut on your forehead, by the way.”

Slowly, as if he were approaching a spooked animal, he placed his right hand on Bones’ shoulder. Bones flinched but didn’t try to shake it off or move away, slowly looking back up at Jim. “So, Bones, please, let’s go to a hospital. Starfleet- they don’t necessarily have to know, although I would recommend- but that’s not important right now”, Jim hastened to say as Bones started to shake his head, “important is that I won’t leave you here. I promise you, whatever you decide - I’m not leaving you. This was not your fault; you didn’t deserve in any way what Andy did to you. And whether you decide to involve the police and Starfleet is ultimately up to you and I will respect your decision, but- I can’t let you stay here, waiting for him to come back. That might make me a selfish, controlling bastard but on this matter, I don’t care. I’m not letting him hurt you again.”

For a while it seemed as if Bones wouldn’t react to his words. He continued to look at Jim, one eye bloodshot where vessels had burst open, while his body occasionally shuddered as if he were cold. Finally, when Jim was already close to imploring him again, he shut his eyes and took a deep breath as though to calm himself. “Alright. Alright, let’s go. Not to Starfleet Medical, but- we can go to the San Francisco University Clinic. Shouldn’t be too far from here.” His voice sounded rough and defeated, but Jim felt his own body relax at those words. At least his friend had seen sense in that regard. 

“Yeah, fine, let’s go there. Can you stand?”

Bones evaded his gaze, looking back down at the tiles next to his feet. “You- I might need your help. I- I twisted my left ankle when I fell, can’t really put much weight on it.”

It took Jim almost superhuman effort to not react badly to that. Instead, he simply nodded before getting up and reaching down a hand to help his friend up.

Bones swayed for a second when he was back in an upright position, trying to maintain his balance on only one leg. But then Jim was at his side, putting Bones’ arm around his shoulder and they moved slowly towards the front door. During their walk, Jim could sense Bones looking around the living room, taking in the damage done to the furniture from last night. He felt tremors run through his friend’s body and Jim knew he was remembering yesterday’s events.

It would be a lie to say that Jim didn’t want to know what exactly had happened last night. Not out of curiosity, but due to honest concern for his friend. At some point, he would have to talk about it, and be it only to a student counsellor or a therapist; Jim knew that if their roles were reversed Bones would insist on him talking to someone to come to terms with what had happened. He would make sure that Bones actually applied the same care to himself. Unconsciously, he squeezed Bones’ hand to bring him back to the present and while this seemed to startle him, he squeezed back just as strongly.

The hallway was thankfully empty once they had left the apartment behind; Jim really didn’t want to explain the whole incident to any neighbors right now. While they waited for the elevator, another thought crossed his mind. “I better call a cab. The San Francisco University Clinic is still a couple of blocks from here and I don’t really fancy going there when you can only use one leg. Here, lean onto the wall for a sec.” He gently helped Bones to lean against the wall next to the elevator, making sure that he didn’t lose his balance and then pulled out his communicator. The lift appeared while he was still talking to the taxi driver and with the information that the driver would pick them up in five minutes, he ended the call and helped the doctor hop into the elevator car.

The ride downstairs didn’t take long and was spent it complete silence between them. Bones evaded eye contact with Jim, keeping his face turned away and looking down. Jim himself didn’t know what to say. After all, what did you tell someone who had just been beaten by someone they loved, or at least deeply cared for? The situation with Frank, while in its basics similar, differed in so far as that Frank had never pretended to care about Jim or his brother. There had been no love between them, only indifference at the best of times, and from the moment Sam had left and Frank’s fists had turned towards Jim, he had resented him and started to fight back. While the beatings had been terrible and deeply unsettling for his feel of self-worth, the emotional distance, the dislike they had both felt for each other had at least prevented Jim from experiencing the betrayal of someone you loved turn against and physically hurt you.

Bones on the other hand had really liked Andy, of that Jim was sure. There had been instances when he had found his friend smiling gently at the memory of something Andy must have said or done and heartily laughing in his presence. It couldn’t have all been an act and Jim wondered when it had changed. Had there been any signs that he had simply missed because he hadn’t been looking for them? Or had Bones been able to hide what had been going on behind the façade of the happy couple? The last thought scared him more than he would like to admit. For Jim had always prided himself on being the only one to truly understand his friend and to look through his grumpy demeanor straight at his soft, caring heart. To have been blindsided by someone he thought he knew as well as the back of his left hand was unsettling and made Jim question if he really was the friend he thought he had been to Bones.

Before he could decide on what to say, the doors of the elevator opened in front of them as they reached the ground floor. As tandem they slowly crossed the entrance hall towards the exit, Bones leaning heavily onto him while Jim tried to keep his steps as small as possible to make it easier on the doctor. The sun was still shining when they left the building and pedestrians were either briskly or leisurely walking down the sidewalk. Some looked strangely at them and a young couple even stopped and asked if they needed any help. Jim smiled at them and thanked them for their concern but assured them that the cab was waiting for them and they were already on their way to see a doctor anyway. They still appeared a bit hesitant to simply leave, but Jim could already make out the taxi parking behind them, so he simply thanked them again and then helped Bones to hop over to the car and slip into the backseat before he told the driver their destination.  

The other man had been quiet during the short talk with the young couple. Even now, slumped into the soft seats of the taxi, he looked defeated and smaller than usual while he blankly looked out of the window. Which was why it took a while for Jim to realize that Bones was still holding his hand; clutching it almost as tightly as someone would a lifeline. It made his heart jump and squeeze painfully at the same time.

Slowly, gently, he started to rub his thumb along the back of the other’s hand. Bones took a small shuddering breath that sounded like a choked sob, his eyes blinking rapidly. Jim thought his heart would burst with sorrow at the sight.

“Bones…?” he started quietly, unsure on how to continue but Bones beat him to it. “Don’t, Jim, just… please, I- I need you to not say anything right now”, he whispered, fingers pressing into Jim’s hand even harder than before. “I- I need to keep it together for a while, in front of medical and- whoever. I really, really can’t speak about anything that happened last night, so… whatever you wanna say or ask- please, don’t. Not now.”

While Jim had frequently engaged in bar fights, he rarely felt the urge to truly hurt someone, to punch someone and make them suffer; Frank obviously being the exception. But hearing his best friend, the man who had always patched him up after said bar fights, no matter the hour, who had helped guide him into the right direction and showed him how to direct his boundless energy towards his studies; the man who was finally responsible to install at least some feeling of self-worth into Jim; to hear this man sound so small and vulnerable made Jim wish he could make Andy suffer for this. To take the hurt from his friend and unload it onto Andy. Even better, to turn back time and prevent his friend from leaving the party with his boyfriend.

Yet Jim was no magician and though hurting Andy as badly as he had hurt Bones would give him immense satisfaction, he knew objectively that it wouldn’t help anything and probably only make the situation worse. All he could do in this moment was to sit next to Bones, hold his hand and answer quietly, “Alright Bones. Alright.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is welcome! :)


	5. I can feel the darkness coming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some medical talk in this chapter. I'm not a doctor (or working in the medical field in any way), so I apologize if there are any inaccuracies!
> 
> Other than that, enjoy!

_I can feel the darkness coming_

_And I'm afraid of myself_

_Call my name and I'll come running_

_Cause I just need some help_

The visit to the hospital was mercifully short, considering the circumstances. Once they entered the entrance hall of the huge hospital complex and stepped up to the receptionist, they were directed to the emergency department. The waiting area was comparatively empty, with only three other patients in line before them, so they didn’t have to endure the special hell that was uncomfortable plastic seats for too long. The doctor that finally called them into one of the examination rooms was a tall, middle-aged woman with black hair tied into a ponytail, who introduced herself as Doctor Zidane. Jim helped his friend hop into the room and on the biobed before returning to the waiting area to grant his friend some privacy during the examination.

Once again seated in one of the plastic chairs, Jim couldn’t stop himself from replaying the scene in the apartment in his mind over and over again. His friend had been badly hurt, had been in an abusive relationship for months, and he hadn’t noticed. He pressed the balls of his hands into his eyes, feeling them burn slightly. Jim always prided himself on his precise perception of his surroundings and his ability to read people. But concerning the most important person in his life, he had failed.

Time ran by slowly as Jim waited for Bones to be finished. He watched people move around him, medical personnel wheeling patients from one room to another in wheelchairs. Two teenage boys sat down in the seats opposite from Jim, one holding his arm in a way that indicated some form of injury, probably a break. Some announcement over the hospital loudspeaker, calling for one doctor or another. It was everyday routine at a hospital, Jim supposed, nothing exciting. He almost wished for something to happen, just so that the time would pass faster, and he would finally be able to return to the examination room, to see with his own eyes that Bones was fine.

Why did his friend not wish to call the police? Jim didn’t think that it was because of shame of what had happened. Bones wouldn’t let his pride stand in the way of doing what was necessary. And informing the police as well as Starfleet about the abuse was extremely necessary, in Jim’s eyes. Not only because Bones deserved justice for what had happened to him (although that was the prime reason in Jim’s mind). But no-one else should have to suffer due to Andy. Jim hoped that his care for others would convince Bones to change his mind and turn the other doctor in. Yet the question remained: why had Bones refused to call the police after what had happened to him? Why was he, in some way, still protecting Andy? 

His thoughts kept circling around this question until the door of the examination room where Bones was treated opened and Doctor Zidane stepped out. Jim caught a short glimpse of his friend sitting on the biobed, head turned sideways towards the window, before he stepped closer to the doctor. Nodding her head to one of the chairs outside the visual field of the examination room, Doctor Zidane sat down and gestured to the seat next to her, apparently waiting for Jim to join her.  

Once Jim sat down, she pulled out her PADD and tipped in a few commands, probably to open a medical file. “Alright, I have been informed by both Mr. McCoy as well as the official data in his file that you are stated as his emergency contact. Is this correct, Mr. Kirk?” she asked, looking up from the PADD displaying a picture of him and giving him a scrutinizing look.

Jim was momentarily taken aback. He had made Bones his emergency contact at some point during their first semester, seeing as his mother was almost always off planet and getting in touch with her in a case of emergency would be difficult. The same was true for his brother, and Frank would not give a damn about what happened to Jim. So, while he had not seen any problem in his actions, he was honestly surprised that Bones had done the same. For although his parents were both dead and his ex-wife might not be his first choice as an emergency contact, Bones still had grandparents and some aunts and uncles. With the first he was still quite close and even with the other relatives he at least made an effort to keep in contact. Any of those would appear as a more likely choice than Jim.

Caught by surprise, it took Jim a couple of seconds to realize that Doctor Zidane was waiting for a confirmation. He nodded his head and made a sound that vaguely sounded like an affirmative.

“Very well. As he is a doctor himself and therefore familiar with the recovery process, I am releasing him on the prerequisite that someone assures that he remains mostly in bed for the next 24 hours and generally takes it easy for a few days. Otherwise, I would like to keep him here for one night for observation. Will you be able to look after him for the next couple of days?”

“Yes of course, that won’t be a problem”, Jim replied, already mentally going through his schedule and considering which classes he could skip and for which he would need to ask the professors specifically for permission to be absent.

Doctor Zidane nodded. “Good. As you are going to take care of him, Mr. McCoy allowed me to inform you of his injuries. He had a deep looking wound on his forehead; however, a short round with the dermal regenerator healed it completely. He also suffers from a mild concussion due to the harsh impact against something solid. Fortunately, the tricorder detected no skull fracture or cerebral hemorrhage, but the concussion is the main reason why I want you to observe him closely for the next 24 hours. In case there are any changes in his consciousness, if he becomes confused or fails to remember easy details about his everyday life, you need to call a doctor.” She paused for a second, looking at him. “Do you have any questions so far?”

To be honest, Jim felt a little bit overwhelmed. He had never been responsible for anyone’s health other than his own (and frankly, he hadn’t done a very good job at that). Being responsible for his friend’s well-being appeared more than a bit daunting to him now that he heard of the seriousness of his injuries.

Jim swallowed, but shook his head. “No, I understand. Is there anything else I can do to help him get better?”

Doctor Zidane sighed. “The only thing to cure a concussion is time and sufficient bed rest. He shouldn’t watch any holo-videos or read on his PADD and doing any kind of sports is not recommendable for roughly the next ten days. I have already sent a confirmation to Mr. McCoy’s PADD which he ought to forward to his supervisor to excuse him from any physical training he might have during that period. Apart from that, some of his ribs are bruised pretty badly. As with most of the more extensive bruises, I went over them with the dermal regenerator, yet the area is still quite tender and will pain him for roughly the next two to three days. I have prescribed him some pain relievers which he should take in case the pain becomes too much. Especially during the nights, I would recommend that he take some so that he can get a good night’s rest. Finally, apart from severe hematoma on his arms, back and chest, he got a sprained left ankle. Fortunately, the ligaments are not torn, only overstretched. I went over it with a regenerator as well to accelerate the healing process and put on a bandage to keep it stable and give the ligaments time to heal properly on their own. If he needs to get up, he should use crutches for the next five days, but after that the ankle will be fine and I expect no further complications with any of his injuries.”

The doctor paused after that, giving Jim a hard look. “Do you know what happened?”

Jim found it hard to answer, still reeling from all the information she had given him, and all the injuries Bones had suffered. “Yes.”

“And are you also going to tell me that it was an accident in sports, during one of Starfleet’s hand-to-hand trainings?”

Jim blinked. “He- he said that?”

Doctor Zidane huffed. “As a matter of fact, yes. And while many of the injuries would indeed fit those of an extremely clumsy first semester cadet with little fighting experience, the hand shaped bruises on his wrists and arms make me suspect something else entirely.”

It didn’t happen often, but Jim was at a loss of words. Some part of him had hoped that Bones would tell the doctor the truth about what had happened and would reconsider his opinion on not persecuting Andy. Since he apparently hadn’t changed his mind, Jim didn’t want to go against his friend’s wishes, although he disagreed with them. Strongly.

When the moment of silence became overly long and Doctor Zidane continued to look at him expectantly, Jim sighed.

“Well, yes, I know what happened. If he said it was a training accident, then that’s what happened. I won’t go against his wishes, I- I promised him I wouldn’t do that.”

He hesitated before saying, “But- if it’s possible- I don’t know exactly how that works- let’s say it was, hypothetically, physical abuse by someone close to him… Could you keep the documentation of his injuries and whatever else you need as some form of evidence- in case he changes his mind?”

The doctor scrutinized him for a while, lips pressed together in a thin line and eyebrows pressed together. Finally, she sighed and looked down at her PADD to enter some instructions.

“Well, the record of his injuries is in his file anyway. I will leave my professional opinion on how these injuries came to be in a note down below. Should he change his mind, there will be no contradiction with any other diagnosis I could have made based on what he told me. I won’t note down his explanation of a sports injury, it could lead to some difficulties should he reconsider and decide to press charges. What he does with that report is up to him.”

 Jim smiled gratefully at her, relieved that she didn’t press the matter more and willing to let them keep their options open. After sending her digital card to his communicator, Jim once more thanked the doctor for her consideration before entering the examination room where Bones was still waiting.

His friend looked somewhat better than before, the cut on his forehead gone and replaced with a slightly red spot that always indicated newly healed skin. The bruises on his face had undergone a round with the regenerator as well, the angry red-purplish tone from before already turned to a more yellow-bluish color. The rest of his injuries were concealed by his clothes, yet there were crutches leaning next to Bones against the bed and his left boot wasn’t completely closed to give his swollen ankle more room.

Bones had been looking out of the window, his eyes having a far-away look as he seemingly regarded the sun’s reflection in the windows of the buildings opposite the hospital. He flinched slightly when he finally appeared to sense Jim standing beside him, and his gaze was troubled and uncertain when he turned to look at Jim.

For his part, Jim was unsure how to proceed from here. The best would be for them to get back to campus and then they would take it from there. Jim smiled at his friend and, reaching for the jacket that had been discarded on a chair nearby, said lightly, “Alright Bones, time to go home. Let some other unfortunate soul experience the tender care of the good doctor.”

There was relief in the other’s eyes and some amusement as Bones mouth twitched into an almost smile before he carefully slid off the bed. They made their way through the halls of the hospital back to the main entrance, the clatter of the crutches on the ground the only sound disturbing the silence between them.

The sunshine outside was blinding for a moment, although it wasn’t even as bright as before since it was already late afternoon and the rays of sunshine began to disappear more and more behind high apartment towers, casting long shadows on the ground. Jim looked around them and quickly found a line of parked cabs, waiting for patients or visitors eager to leave the hospital grounds behind. He helped Bones hop into the car before getting in himself and telling the driver their destination.

Just as their drive towards the hospital their ride back to the Academy was quiet. Bones appeared to be in deep thought, his face turned towards the side window and watching people and buildings rush past them with a blank expression. Only when the cab stopped, and they got out of the car did he seem to come out of his absentmindedness, blinking and looking around somewhat confused.

“Jim, why are we in front of your accommodation? I would really appreciate to go home and lie down for a while”, he sighed, increasing Jim’s concern for him. Bones rarely admitted openly when he was tired and needed some rest, usually trying to conceal it by increasing the level of grumpiness he exuded.

“I know, Bones. But, as you heard the good doctor, I’m responsible for your health for the next days and that means that you will rest somewhere I can keep an eye on you. Also, I’m afraid Andy might be looking for you and your room is certainly on his list of places where you could be. And as I said, I won’t let you be alone with him and I’m not sure what I would do if I met him now. So, let’s not test it.”

Emotions flickered over Bones face, almost too quick to catch. Anger and indignation, for Bones appreciated to be treated like a child about as much as Jim- meaning not at all. But also, uncertainness and worry, waging war on the little bit of gratefulness expressed in the softening of his eyes.

“Dammit Jim, I’m a grown man, I can make my own decisions, I don’t need you making them for me! I can deal with Andy and if I want to talk with him than I bloody hell will- I don’t need your damn permission to do so!”

Jim knew he shouldn’t rise to the bait, that Bones was simply hurting and hiding behind his anger, yet he couldn’t help himself.

“Yeah, you can handle him? Didn’t seem like it when he beat you up after you stayed in a relationship with him although he apparently manhandled you!”

Bones reeled back as if slapped, looking at him with eyes wide and lips tightening before he looked aside, obviously trying to force his face into a neutral mask.

Jim cursed himself. Losing his temper and indicating that he blamed Bones for what had happened was not what he had wanted to do. It was his frustration with the situation overall, his guilt for not having noticed that something was amiss that made his temper rise.

Jim took a deep breath, forcing himself to relax the muscles in his arms and shoulders that had tensed up. Taking a second to bring order to his thoughts, he proceeded before Bones could say anything.

“I’m sorry Bones, that was uncalled for. I didn’t mean to say it and I certainly didn’t MEAN that at all.”

Taking a step closer, he tentatively placed a hand on his friend’s shoulder. Bones still wouldn’t look at him, his gaze trained to the side into the directions of the dorms.

“But… Bones, I just can’t help it. Why didn’t you talk to me? I mean, I know I can be a hothead and pretty careless sometimes, but- never about the things that really matter. Did you feel you couldn’t trust me with this? Or even if you didn’t wanna talk to me, then why nobody else? Why stay with that asshole?”

Bones flinched at his words, finally turning his face towards Jim.

“Jim it’s- god dammit it man, I know you care; of course, I know! But, not everything is your business and some things you can’t take care of. My relationship with Andy is my business, mine alone.”

“And normally I would totally agree with you! But it starts to concern me when my friends get hurt and while I can at least somewhat understand that you didn’t wanna talk about it, I can’t get my head around the fact that you stayed with him! Like, what the actual hell, why did you stay? It’s so unlike you and I just want to understand- as you friend, as your best friend, I just want to help you!”

It might have been cruel, but Jim wasn’t willing to budge on that matter. His friend, who certainly didn’t take any nonsense, from no one, had stayed in an abusive relationship and Jim needed to know why. Needed to know the underlying issues. Because something didn’t add up here, it was too out of character for the friend he knew. Or thought he knew.

The sun was standing quite low on the horizon by now, the last sunrays painting the ground and surrounding buildings into radiant molten gold, basking the moment in beauty and innocence that only the last moments before sunset possess. Cadets were walking past them, some to enter the dorms right to them, some just on their way to their own accommodations, a few of them casting curious glances at the both of them. It reminded Jim that they were out in public and this was a conversation they should have somewhere private.

Jim sighed before taking a step back to give his friend some room.

“Look, I know it’s difficult and we don’t need to talk about it now. But I really don’t think it’s a good idea if you go back to your room where you could come across Andy anytime. And even if you don’t care about that, I do, and I would be worried. Also, I kinda need to keep an eye on you for at least the next twenty-four hours anyway due to your concussion. So, please, Bones- let’s just go inside and you stay for at least one night.”

There was still a moment’s hesitation but apparently Jim’s reminder of his role as medical care taker for the day seemed to convince his friend. Although still far from looking happy, Bones nodded his agreement and the two men walked into the building in tense silence. Fortunately, the halls were comparatively empty, with only a few cadets walking from their rooms to the community room on the ground floor or to one of the kitchens to cook themselves some dinner. They got some more curious glances due to the crutches and the somewhat healed bruises on Bones’ face, yet nobody approached them.

Jim glared at everyone who dared to openly stare at them and only felt himself relax once the door closed behind them. His room was already comparatively dark, with the windows facing towards the east and the sun ready to set, so Jim ordered the lights on to 50 percent.

Bones was standing in the room, still holding onto his crutches, looking unsure as if he hadn’t been to Jim’s room a thousand times already. Jim hated it, hated that there appeared to be a sudden tenseness and uncertainty in their friendship that had never been there before, not even when they had barely known each other.

He coughed to break the quiet of the room.

“How about I order some food from that Thai restaurant we went to two weeks ago? Can’t remember the name right now but I’m pretty sure I still got their menu saved on my PADD.  Pad Thai works for you?”

Jim remembered that his friend had basically devoured the Pad Thai when they had tried out that restaurant, claiming it was the best he had eaten so far in San Francisco. They had planned to make it one of their regular restaurants yet hadn’t found the time or occasion to come back.

Bones’ lips curled into a small smile, dissolving some of the tension hanging in the room. “Sure, fine by me.” He glanced into the direction of the bathroom. “Alright if I take a quick shower? Didn’t have a chance since- since yesterday.”

Jim nodded, ignoring the brief catch in his friend’s voice. “Sure, go ahead, you know where I store my spare towel. You can borrow some of my stuff, just pick something comfy and big.”

Normally that comment would be followed by mock outrage, Bones asking whether Jim called him fat and that he needed a slightly bigger size only because his shoulders were broader, to which Jim would jokingly reply that he should just keep telling himself that if it made him feel better. Today, all he got was a nod.

“Take your time, if you’re lucky our food will have arrived by then.”

Once Bones had closed the bathroom door behind himself, Jim swiped through his PADD until he found the restaurant’s menu and ordered Pad Thai with vegetables for his friend and Red Curry for himself. That done, he went to his room to change the bedclothes; it went without saying that Bones would take the bed for the night and Jim would sleep on the sofa.

Bones did indeed take his time in the bathroom so that the food arrived before he was finished. Looking at the boxes placed on the table, Jim was contemplating whether to call for Bones or give him some more time when the door opened, and Bones hoped out on one leg, having left his crutches next to the bathroom door. For a moment, Jim felt guilty, wondering whether he should have offered his friend some help, yet dismissed the guilt almost immediately- Bones was as stubborn as he was and wouldn’t have accepted his help anyway unless absolutely necessary.

“Perfect timing, Bones, food just arrived.”

Dinner was a quiet affair and brought back the tension between them. The situation with Andy was like an elephant in the room, but Jim dared not address it for now and Bones stubbornly refused to do so. Yet every other topic seemed too trivial for discussion; the careful question how Bones’ last shift at the hospital had gone being answered with an unusual monosyllabic answer to which Jim had nothing to reply.

They ate in silence, the quiet murmuring of cadet’s passing the room outside the only background sound.

It was completely dark outside when they had finished eating, although still comparatively early. Regardless, when Bones offered to help clean the dishes, Jim refused and suggested he might go to bed early.

Bones didn’t flinch, but his gaze drifted to the side while he chew on his lip uncertainly.

“Yeah, sure that sounds like a good idea. Thanks Jim, for letting me stay here. I’ll be gone by tomorrow, I can take care of the rest of the injuries.”

With these words, he hoped off into the Jim’s bedroom, the door hissing close behind him.

Jim was somewhat stunned by the reaction. He had only suggested his friend go to bed because he had said himself that he was quite tired, and he wouldn’t have been a great help with the dishes anyway, balancing on only one leg (not that there was much to do). And honestly, Jim still wanted to discuss what had happened last night with Andy, but he had figured that it might be sensible to let his friend sleep on it before he approached the topic again the next morning, since he had reacted so strongly and defensively to it before. Yet Bones’ response to the suggestion had been off, as if he had expected something else.

Jim shook his head. He would clean the dishes and maybe read something on his PADD and then he would throw a quick glance into the bedroom to check if Bones was alright. They would talk tomorrow.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this interlude before the finale in the next chapter!
> 
> As always, feedback is welcome!


	6. And I'm afraid of myself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update! On the bright side, you get two chapters in one update ;) 
> 
> Warnings for this chapter as there is some talk about mental health issues and emotional abuse.

_I can feel the darkness coming_

_And I'm afraid of myself_

_Call my name and I'll come running_

_'Cause I just need some help_

It was halfway through the article that Jim remembered the prescription for the pain medication Doctor Zidane had given him. Cursing quietly under his breath, Jim crammed his PADD into his pocket and got up, picking up his jacket on his way to the door. Luckily, there was a pharmacy incorporated in Starfleet Medical which was open 24/7. The cadet who was on duty raised her eyebrow in question when Jim showed her the prescription, but Jim turned on his most charming smile and assured her that he needed it for an injury he had gotten during one of his hand-to-hand trainings. Jim’s reputation as a brawler was certainly a disservice in this situation, yet after a moment’s hesitation and another glance at the prescription, she went to the back of the pharmacy, returning with a small packet of pills.

“Only one at once and only a maximum of three per day with at least four to five hours in between. Don’t take it for longer than seven days, if the pain isn’t gone by then you should come and see a doctor again.”

Jim barely refrained from rolling his eyes, having heard this particular warning in a far less charming way from Bones countless times already. Grabbing the package and thanking the other cadet, he ran back to his accommodation.

Back in his room, Jim first went to get himself something to drink and, while he was at it, put the kettle on for some tea Bones could drink with his medication in case he was still awake (or awake again). There were no sounds coming from his bedroom which suggested that Bones was probably truly asleep, yet Jim would feel better after he had checked.

When the water had finished, he poured it over some tea leaves Bones had gotten for Jim once (seeing as the older man didn’t like tea bags, not to mention replicated tea, and insisted that Jim had at least one flavor at home to get himself acquainted with the proper form of tea drinking; Jim rarely felt the urge to use them). Carefully holding the hot cup to not spill anything and picking up the medication from the small coffee table where he had thrown it, he went over to his bedroom. The door hissed open quietly; apparently, Bones hadn’t locked the door.

It was dark inside, the shutters closed and only small stripes of light breaking through them, drawing dark and white lines on the floor and the wall opposite the window. Bones was lying in Jim’s bed, back towards the rest of the room and the blanket drawn up over his shoulders.

Jim frowned. He was no doctor but lying on his side couldn’t be good for Bones’ cracked ribs; it was surprising the pain hadn’t woken him yet.

Taking another step into the room, Jim quietly went over to the bed and placed the cup and medicine on the bedside table. He was about to leave when he reconsidered. Bones breathing sounded uneven as if he wasn’t resting well, so Jim gently placed his hand on his friend’s shoulder, about to turn him onto his back so that he could sleep easier.

What he didn’t expect was for Bones to simultaneously flinch away from the touch while trying to sit up, turning around and pressing himself further against the wall.

There were tear tracks, not even dry yet, running down his face. The hazel of Bones’ eyes was barely discernable in the dark of the room, but his eyes were wide open and almost frantically looking around.

Inwardly cursing himself for not considering this possibility, Jim immediately drew back his hand and raised his arms.

“Hey Bones, dammit, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to scare you. It’s me Jim, you’re in my room and I just thought I could bring you some tea.”

It took a couple of seconds, but finally Bones drew in a shuddering breath and pressed his hands against his eyes, carefully stretching out his legs to come out of his defensive posture. There was silence hanging between them, interrupted only from Bones’ shuddering breaths.

After another moment in which it didn’t seem as if Bones would flip out on him, Jim carefully placed a hand on his friend’s knee. There was a slight jerk, yet the doctor didn’t move away this time and finally put down his arms. Bones was nagging on his lower lip, gaze averted, and hands now tightly clutched together in his lap.

“Bones… Look, I know you don’t want to talk about it but the situation with Andy is obviously still troubling you. You should be resting, so maybe, if you talked to me about some of it or at least what’s keeping you awake right now- I just want to help”, Jim finished helplessly.

At first Bones didn’t seem to react to his words, his fingers clutching even more desperately to each other and his shoulders still hunched up protectively.

And then he crumbled. His face twisted into a mask of anguish and he curled over to lie on his side, arms around himself and a low whining escaping his throat. There were new tears forming in his eyes and running down reddened cheeks.

There was a hand of ice, squeezing Jim’s heart painfully together at the sight, tearing through his insides. It hurt. It hurt so badly to see his friend, the man he secretly adored cry through his pain.

Jim could only think of one action- he climbed onto the bed, slipping off his shoes in the process, and lay down beside Bones. It was what his brother had done for him, back when they had still lived together under Frank’s roof and Jim didn’t understand why their mum had to leave for space once again.

Cautiously he reached out for his friend, and that seemed to be all that was needed. Bones sobbed, a sound piercing through Jim like an arrow, and almost desperately grabbed at Jim’s sweater, his fingers burying in the soft fabric. Without thinking, Jim put his arms around his friend, pulling him closer. And oh, he knew he shouldn’t feel it in this moment, but there was a tiny little spark in him that enjoyed the proximity, enjoyed being able to hold and comfort.

A wet spot was forming on his right shoulder where Bones face was pressed against him and he could feel the other mumbling against the fabric.

Jim frowned, straining to make out the muffled words.

“I’m sorry- sorry… sorry I’m a burden, sorry I’m too much- not good enough… Please, just stop. Please, stop… be quiet… why can’t it stop…”

There was a low groan and a shudder passed through Bones’ body, who simultaneously appeared to bury himself even closer to Jim and push himself away by pressing a hand against Jim’s chest.

A sick taste settled at the back of Jim’s throat and he felt it difficult to draw breath. It sounded like sentence fragments Bones might have said yesterday during Andy’s rage. And yet- there was something in the way he said it, the fact that Bones had said “it” not “you” or “him” as he might do if he were referring to Andy, that awoke some doubt in Jim as to what exactly the doctor was talking about. It made him remember what he had thought before: that there must be an underlying issue for Bones to stay in an abusive relationship.

It seemed as if Jim had found it.   

Time passed. Jim didn’t know how long they remained in this position, Bones still occasionally mumbling to himself and shuddering as if plagued by something from within. After a while though, he became quiet and his shaking became less pronounced. Before Jim could stop himself, he started rubbing Bones’ arm gently, to soothe away the last remains of whatever had haunted him before.

A shuddering breath was his only response.

Uncertain what to do next, Jim said the first thing that came to his mind.

“My big brother used to hold me like this. Back when we were kids; when my mum would leave us for space and I couldn’t understand why she didn’t want to stay with us. Don’t know how often I cried myself to sleep, but Sam always found me. Held me long enough for my tears to stop. And then he would tell me that it wasn’t my fault mum left. That there was simply some part of mum that had vanished as well when my dad died and that was why she had to go to space. It was the only place she felt close to my dad and therefore whole.”

Jim sighed.

“I didn’t believe him back then, not really. My mum could barely look at me, you know, for a really long time because I remembered her of what she had lost. And Frank, that asshole, didn’t help by telling me what a waste of space both Sam and I were. Sometimes- sometimes beating us in his drunken rage.”

He felt Bones still against him before he sensed a hand that found his, squeezing his fingers.

“You are not a waste, kid. Never were and never will be. Trust-trust me.”

A burning pressure settled behind Jim’s eyes and he suddenly found it difficult to swallow around the lump in his throat. God, Bones was hurting himself and still tried to console Jim.

“I know. Or rather, I know now, theoretically, and I’m in the process of accepting it, slowly. The thing is, I couldn’t start believing that I was worth something until I got away from Frank. And even after that, it took Pike and Starfleet to give me a purpose. To work towards something and truly belief that I can achieve it. But do you know what helped the most?”

In the sparely illuminated room he could see, and also feel, Bones shake his head against his shoulder.

“You.”

Another headshake, this time more violently and Bones tried to extract himself from Jim’s embrace, but he didn’t let go. He wanted Bones to hear him out.

“Jeez Bones, why would I lie about that? Do you not realize what you’re doing for me? You take care of my injuries after a bar fight, you check if I eat enough in times I tend to forget about it, you help me with the required medical courses, you never- Bones, you never so no. You grumble and complain but you never say no to me. You are always there when I need you and even if I don’t and- man, your friendship helped me to put some of my issues to rest, simply because you actually give a damn about me.”

There was silence. Bones had stopped struggling at least.

Jim on the other hand felt completely exposed. He had never told anyone anything about his past, not even Bones. Telling him about Frank and his mother- it throbbed like a wound that was in a developed state of healing but could still hurt when played with. But it was necessary if he wanted Bones to open up about his own issues.

Jim didn’t know how long they remained lying like that. The voices of other cadets walking down the hallway were muffled and unobtrusively drifted into the room, background noise in their bubble of solitude. At some point, Jim had moved enough to place the blanket around himself and Bones before embracing his friend in his arms again.

When Bones finally spoke, Jim almost didn’t hear his low voice.

“It started when I skipped two classes in high-school, attending senior year with sixteen rather than eighteen. Mum and Dad were so proud; they had always supported me and were pleased that the school finally realized that I was bored to death in my old class. Took the necessary tests during the summer break and they agreed to let me finish school the following year.”

A quiet sigh.

“The other kids didn’t really know what to make of me. Our school wasn’t all that big, so there was quite some social exchange between the grades. Word got ‘round that I’d always been an overachiever and not really interested in sports- which, in a small town as ours, was still pretty unimaginable- and when school started I was already branded as an outsider in my new class. Didn’t help that I was two years younger than the rest of them and still got better grades.”

Another short stop.

“Guess it was just my luck that puberty decided to make its grand appearance that year. Got a lot of self-doubt- how I looked, how I talked, even how I walked. Everything I did seemed wrong and strange to me and I just had the feeling that people could tell just by looking at me and wanted to distance themselves. I just couldn’t stand to be myself.”

Bones stopped again, and Jim pressed his shoulder gently.

“It had nothing to do with you, with your character. You told me yourself, remember, about the guys here who thought I was just another example of classic nepotism. They were just jealous and intimidated, just as the kids back then were by you.”

Bones didn’t say anything to that and Jim furrowed his brow.

“You know that, right?”

Instead of answering, the doctor continued.

“I didn’t wanna worry my parents, so I didn’t tell them anything. Thought it was just a phase and it would get better once I had left school. The summer after I graduated from high-school and before I left for college, I met Jocelyn through friends of my parents. She was three years older than me and already studying at the University of Mississippi, so my parents thought it might be good idea if I talked to her to get some insights into university life. ‘Course, Jocelyn studied arts, not medicine, but general information about student life there couldn’t hurt, they said.

I don’t know what she saw in me. There would have been so many better choices among the students at the university. But we became friends and after my first semester there, we started dating.”

A loud bang from outside startled them both. The hurried apology from one student followed by the annoyed voice of another reached their ears.

Bones shook his head.

“The self-hatred never really went away but I got better at hiding it. I got closer to some other people through Jocelyn and my studies, when my age became less and less an issue, but I could never really understand what they saw in me, why they would want to talk to me or spend time with me. Eventually, Jocelyn and I got married shortly before I started my residency.”

There was a certain hesitancy to the doctor now, his voice faltering while at the same time apparently determined to finish his story.

“Marrying shortly before my residency wasn’t a smart choice, probably wouldn’t have been for most people, so yeah, our timing was shit. I spent most of my time either at the hospital or studying, but during the little free time I had, I tried to give Jocelyn all the attention she wanted. She was unhappy because her career didn’t take off the way she had expected and well, I certainly wasn’t the ideal husband. I didn’t have enough time for her, the money I got was nothing to what she had expected from a doctor’s salary and well- in the end, she was just honest in expressing her opinion about me.”

Bones swallowed hard.

“My Dad’s sickness and my focus on the research to save him just drove the wedge deeper. Guess it was only a matter of time until I found her in bed with an old friend back from university. The divorce really was for the best; I couldn’t be what she wanted anyway.”

There was a catch in his voice and Jim could almost see his friend gnawing on his lip again, even though it was almost completely dark in the room and Bones had told the story to Jim’s shoulder rather than his face; not that he cared, he was just relieved that his friend had finally started talking.

But still. Still. Jim understood the self-hatred, the self-doubt, had been well acquainted with it himself, thanks to Frank’s charming influence. Yet some tiny spark in him had resisted that belief, had encouraged him to leave and had grasped for the lifeline Pike had thrown him when daring him to do better. Somehow, it didn’t seem to him as if Bones had reached that same point.

“What did she tell you?”

A small flinch underneath his hands. “What?”

“What did she tell you? You said she was expressing her honest opinion. What did she say?”

He could feel Bones trying to retreat from him, to put some distance between them, but Jim held on. If he gave his friend the space he thought he needed, he would only raise his barricades again, would close up. And who knew when he would open up about his past again.

“Jim….”

“Bones, please. I know, I honestly know how difficult it is to talk about things like that. Why do you think I never mentioned the situation with Frank before? Point is, I found a way to cope. Might not have always been healthy, but I manage to cope with all those shit I accumulated during those years and I’d like to think that I’m at least somewhat better than I was just two years ago. Not a small amount of that is thanks to you. So please, Bones, please- talk to me, so that I may help you the same way you have helped me.”

They must have passed curfew because the silence that followed wasn’t even broken through noise reaching them from the hallway. It was all compassing, only interrupted by their breathing.

Bones had at least stopped his retreat and Jim could picture his face, contemplating how to respond.

“She didn’t say anything that wasn’t true.”

Jim felt another lump in his throat.

“Why would you think that?”

A deep breath.

“Because I was telling those things to myself before she started saying them to my face. She just finally saw what was there all along.”

The lump in his throat grew, making it almost impossible for Jim to form the next words.

“What. Did. She. Say?”

Another sigh.

“Jocelyn said that I was a momma’s boy because I talked to my parents almost daily and that she had thought she had married a grown man, not a little boy. She got angry when I came home late or couldn’t uphold an appointment. Accused me of neglecting her. She said there was something wrong with me for not realizing how lucky I was to have her and how hard it was for her to endure my schedule, and simply me as a person sometimes. I was boring, mediocre and would never achieve what I had set out to do because I was a failure. I was a failure long before I failed my father and she reminded me of that every day. After- after my Dad’s death, she just said that she wasn’t surprised, I simply wasn’t good enough. She-she said people were only friends with me because of her, that everyone knew what an utter failure and waste of space I was.”

A sob broke free from his friend’s chest and Jim could feel it reverberate through him. There was some white noise rushing through his head, his body feeling hot all over and all he wanted in that moment was to take a shuttle down to Mississippi and hurt Jocelyn for what she had done.

“For- for how long did she tell you that?”

His voice sounded harsh to his own ears, but it was so difficult to remain calm, to stay in bed and not punch a wall. Jim just knew Bones would interpret that the wrong way.

“For-for the last two years of our marriage.”

There was almost a red haze over Jim’s gaze now and he couldn’t help himself but squeeze his friend’s shoulder tight.

“For two- Jesus Bones, why did you stay in that marriage for so long? Why didn’t you leave??!”

For Jim hadn’t been able to leave Frank because he was simply too young to take care of himself, but once he had reached eighteen….

“Because it is true.”

Jim almost didn’t hear, so quiet was his voice, yet when the words registered, he thought his heart was breaking for the acute pain he felt in his chest.

“What?!”

Bones drew a deep breath that he could feel on his shoulder.

“It is true. Her words- it was just things I thought about myself anyway. And- and she was right about my Dad. I-I simply wasn’t- I wasn’t good enough to find the cure, to save him. After our divorce, there was almost no-one who would speak with me- my friends had recognized what Jocelyn had and they wanted nothing to do with me. God I- Jim, I practically killed both my parents, ‘cause I’m pretty sure the massive heart attack that killed my Mum was because of heart break over my father. It’s a small miracle my grandparents still speak to me.”

There was a wetness seeping into Jim’s shoulder, where Bones’ face was once again pressed into.

“Fuck, there are days where I don’t wanna get out of bed because that voice in my head is just beating down on me, reminding me again and again how worthless I am. There is- geez I think there’s just something wrong, something that can’t be fixed. And sometimes-sometimes it just hurts so bad.”

There were tears running down Jim’s own cheeks, his heart clenching painfully with every beat.

“And-and Andy?”

Another small sob.

“I-I was stupid. After coming to the academy, after the first semester- it got better, a little bit. That voice in my head or whatever- there wasn’t always hatred. Some days- some days I even felt that I was okay, that maybe despite all my failures, I could still be normal… shard my wrongness. And when I met Andy- he was just so nice. Complemented my work, my research. My-my looks. Even thought I was funny.”

A hoarse laugh.

“Probably recognized his mistake too. Told me to spend more time with him, to not spend so much time with you. Said you wouldn’t like him because you’re jealous and you would simply tell me lies about him. Didn’t want your bad influence. Everything was my fault. ‘course it was. He just needed a while to realize how stupid I am. And yesterday- he was just so angry and I understand why. I hadn’t called him, I should have called him to invite him over…”

Bones broke off, burying his face into Jim’s shoulder.

At this point, Jim didn’t even know who deserved his fury more, although he was pretty sure it was Jocelyn. She had cemented Bones’ doubts and self-hatred, had fueled the fire with oil until it seemed to have all but consumed his friend’s mind. And Andy had rekindled that fire and just added more to it. The need to keep his friend in his arms, to tell him repeatedly how wrong they were and that none of these perceptions was true, was almost overwhelming.

“I’m sorry Jim.”

The words were mumbled against his shoulders.

“What-what are you sorry for?”

“I’m sorry I’ve been a burden to you. Sorry that you wasted your time on me. Sorry I’m just- too much. Sorry I ruined that party yesterday…”

At this point, Bones had started to shake and he seemed unable to control the sobs tearing through him.

Jim just held on, pressed his friend closer to his body and didn’t let go, his own tears running down his face and dropping on the brown hair resting underneath his chin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter to go!


	7. EPILOGUE: I just need some help

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since the epilogue is rather short, I thought I would post it in one go with the last chapter so as to not have you waiting for the ending!

It didn’t get better after that, not immediately at least. At some point, Bones drifted off to sleep, Jim still holding him. He knew that one talk and some encouraging words from him wouldn’t solve these issues. His friend had lived with these thoughts of himself for too long, had developed them during a time of vulnerability and, what was probably the worst, had gotten them confirmed by people he had trusted. The fact that Bones was a doctor himself and would, in another situation, recognize the signs of an abusive relationship and maybe some form of depression in another person didn’t mean that he was able to do the same for himself. Especially since he had lived with this hatred for himself for such a long time. What was even worse- and Jim felt as if he had been punched in the gut by this new realization- the only personal experiences his friend had of romantic relationships were with the two people who had abused him emotionally and, in Andy’s case, physically.

He would need a long session in the gym with a punching back to restrain these emotions of pure fury running through him at the thought. Jim didn’t sleep much that night.

The next day Bones was evasive, trying to ignore what he had told Jim during the night while still being apologetic about everything that had happened yesterday. When he declared that he was fit to return to his own room, Jim lost his patience.

They shouted at each other, which, in retrospect, really wasn’t the approach Jim would have picked but he had been tired and emotionally strained, and Bones hadn’t been any better. It wasn’t a surprise they had needed an outlet for their emotions.

In the end, Jim revealed more than he wanted about his feelings. There was doubt in Bones’ face, disbelief, and to some extent Jim could understand the reaction. It was sudden and unexpected, and Bones was in no way ready to deal with this.

But Jim had pressed on nonetheless and pleaded with Bones that even if he didn’t believe him, he should trust him that he was his friend and that he wanted him to get better. For which Bones clearly needed to talk to someone better trained than Jim.

Their fight ended with Bones leaving Jim’s room on his crutches.

Jim contemplated looking for him yet realized that he had given Bones enough to think about and that he deserved some space.

It had almost been completely dark outside again, and Jim had started to truly become worried when Bones returned to his room.

The counselling wasn’t always easy. Jim knew that Bones was a private person, just as he was, and talking to a stranger about thoughts you had always believed to be true about yourself wasn’t always as straightforward for his friend as Jim would have liked it to be. There were times when Bones seemed ready to give up on his therapy, but Jim always managed to change his mind. They both continued to be open about their past and while Jim felt exposed occasionally, he also enjoyed the closeness between them.

The situation with Andy certainly didn’t help as well. At one point, Bones had to return to his own room and it was inevitable that they run into each other, not the least reason being that they worked at the same hospital. The first encounter happened only a week and a half after what they had simply started to call “The incident” at one of Bones’ shifts. Due to the hectic of the day, Andy didn’t have an opportunity to corner him, but Bones returned to Jim’s room that night instead of his own, shaken but unwilling to talk about it. The next time Andy waited in front of Bones’ room, apparently ready to beg for forgiveness. Jim had come back with Bones to his place after a lecture for a movie night but the sight of the man who had caused his friend so much pain had Jim barely restraining himself from punching Andy. He did not, however, stop himself from insulting and cursing him, loud enough that other cadets peeked their heads out of their room to see what the noise was all about. Finally, Bones had ordered Jim to either wait inside his room or leave and since leaving his friend with his former boyfriend certainly wasn’t an option for Jim, he decided to wait in Bones’ room, pacing. The exchange was pretty brief, however, for only ten minutes later Bones entered the room, looking pale but also strangely resolved.

As far as Jim knew that was the last time Andy willingly sought out the other doctor.

Over the next year, Jim was able to detect small changes in his friend’s behavior. The self-depreciating comments got less. The grumbling and complaining remained, but it became more good-naturedly, less defensive to keep people from getting close. The biggest step, however, was when Bones agreed to finally take up charges against Andy, who until this point had continued his work for Starfleet. Jim had only tolerated it out of respect for Bones’ wishes yet had always hoped that his friend would change his mind.

It was after Nero, after Jim had officially been promoted Captain of the Enterprise and after the senior bridge crew had all met in a small bar to celebrate and grieve for the dead, that Bones intertwined their fingers and squeezed them. There was a soft smile on his face when Jim looked at him, unguarded and only meant for Jim.

Jim returned the smile just as gently, gripping his friend’s hand tight in his.

They would figure it out from here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it! I can't believe I actually finished my first story ever!! :) 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who commented on this story, left kuddos or simply read my little piece of writing, it means the world to me! I hope you enjoyed the story and are satisfied with the ending. I'm sorry that I don't go into more detail about Bones' recovery, the persecution of Andy or how Jim and Bones FINALLY get together, but that wasn't part of the story and what I wanted to tell. I hope you liked it nontheless!


End file.
